Dreams, Nightmares & Screamscapes...

I have dreams & nightmares, everyone does. But 99.9% of the time I can't remember them on waking and the rest fade from memory in minutes. I think often it's a good way to be, you forget the good ones but also no memory of the bad.

But this morning was different. For the first time ever I awoke shaking & physically ill because of a, to me, very distressing dream. And I have to admit I have no idea how to deal with it or what to think of it.

The subject of the dream touched very heavily on my past, something that devastated my life, even as a toddler. It took the event, twisted it & expanded it to a very disturbing degree. And now I just can't shake it.

So I'm opening this up to ideas, thoughts, stories & suggestions. If you have ever had dreams or nightmares that have shaken you to the core, how do you deal with them? How have you coped with the mental anguish they can cause?

I really am all at sea with this one.

Take care until next time.

Mark.

The information contained in this blog can not be considered medical advice. These are only my own thoughts, feelings & ideas. If you or someone you know are having problems with mental illness please seek qualified medical advice.

The Cost of Mental Health: More Than Money

Sunday September 2nd is Fathers Day here in Australia and, as normal for me around special occasions, it has had me thinking about what my mental health problems have cost me over the years. Not in terms of money, but in other ways. My conclusion: it has cost me plenty.

Dealing with mental health costs everyone financially; sufferers, families, friends & the entire community. But for those dealing with the illnesses it usually costs far more in the way of family, friends & living standards. So much of our lives can be affected both directly & indirectly by the illness and its treatments - and the stigma that surrounds it.

Left untreated, mental illness can make life hell for everyone around the sufferer. Even when you get a diagnosis it can be just as hard. A lot of times it's hard to get a correct diagnosis and then it is usually a lot of trial & error to find a treatment plan that works or helps the patient. It can take years to get things anywhere near right.

I'm Back

Been quite sometime since my last post, sorry for that. My real life has been quite busy & I suppose I was feeling a little lazy & not wanting to write really. But I'm back with some more wind in my sails and some ideas for more posts in the future.

For myself, things haven't been too bad. Have managed to avoid any real lows or highs. Had a change in my medications during this time that I'm not sure if it's helping or not right now - though it doesn't seem to be doing anything bad. Just a case of wait & see I suppose.

That's it for right now but I will be back to posting again over the next few weeks.

Cheers.

The information contained in this blog can not be considered medical advice. These are only my own thoughts, feelings & ideas. If you or someone you know are having problems with mental illness please seek qualified medical advice.

A little bit up, a little bit down

Haven't really been writing much the last few weeks, probably because I have been having periods of feeling a little down & the energy/desire to write much has been seriously lacking. The past few weeks haven't been bad compared to the past but the lack of motivation & energy has been there. A lot of time all I've wanted to do is sleep with no drive to do anything else.

It hasn't been all bad, I've had periods where I've felt a little up, even if they are in the minority. The best thing about this, despite how up & down things have been, is that I feel that right now I can cope, rather than just giving in to the depression. It's a nice change from the past.

Going loony: the moon & mental illness

I frequently visit the forums at SANE UK and today there was a post about the moon. The original post was just a comment on how the moon looked but it wasn't long before the relationship between the moon & mental illness popped up. So the question is, does the moon have any effect on those with a mental illness?

The simple answer is no, there is no relationship at all. Hundreds of studies over the years have come up with absolutely no evidence that changes in moon phases has any effect on mental illness or any number of other issues like violence & the behavior of dogs.

Despite this, a study by the University of New Orleans has shown that up to 81% of mental health professionals believe there is a relationship between the moon & human behavior. Why, in the 21st century, would someone with years of training still accept a fallacy like this to be true?

Mental Illness: How Prepared is Your GP?

A tweet from Black Dog Tribe today led me to this video by Professor Lewis Wolpert where he mentions that he doesn't think most GP's are prepared enough to deal with patients with mental illness. Additionally, he voices something that I totally agree with - that unless you have experienced a mental illness you can never really understand what it's all about.

Friends, people I've worked with & even anonymous posters on a number of forums I frequent have all said the same thing. A lot complain about GP's who try & look at other causes, or don't have an understanding how bad it really is. Or those that give a prescription for some form of mild anti-depressant with absolutely no follow-up at a later date. Sadly a lot of people with mental illness find, after working up the courage to initially mention their problem, that doing anything more themselves is just too hard. They just won't go back and seek further assistance.

I know for myself it was talking to other sufferers that started making it easier for me to deal with my illness. Doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists & other mental health workers just didn't seem to understand just what it's like. No offence at all to those working in the mental health field, they do what their training & experience tells them to do. But sometimes this just isn't enough, and the sufferer feels let down by the system or just fall through the cracks.

My old family GP was a good doctor, I liked going to him & he was the first one I opened up to about my problem. He tried to help, arranged anti-depressants, got me to see a psychiatrist and try and get me going in the right direction. Only problem was that I really didn't enjoy my sessions with my psychiatrist (for some reason he thought going for a walk or getting a job to occupy my mind was the solution - for someone who couldn't leave the house!). Additionally, my initial (and incorrect) diagnosis of severe depression was the one that stuck for the next 11 years.

After I was diagnosed I did a lot of research on the subject and it wasn't long before I realised I wasn't just depressed, I was more likely bipolar. But no-one seemed to listen. Everything was directed at trying to fix my depression and it wasn't working. They seemed to go deaf when I mentioned my periods of mania - they were very short compared to my long periods of depression - and it just slipped by. And some of the medications I tried during this period are great for treating depression, but were some of the worst for treating bipolar, making things even drastic.

It was only after moving to another area a couple of years ago that anything really changed, and even that took a more than a year of seeing my new GP. But eventually I had a few things go badly wrong for me and early last year I went to my doctor hell bent on getting help. I booked a long appointment and we spent the time really going through everything & at last he really listened, He seemed to understand. My diagnosis was changed & added to, booked in with a new counsellor and, probably most importantly, was changed to more suitable medications.

The last 12 months have been totally different for me, after an initial period of switching meds and tweaking them to meet my needs. Probably still some changes to be made there, but it has been a much better year than I had experienced in a long time. Still a long way to go, just heading in the right direction. But it was my actions that brought about this change. I was still being treated as just suffering depression until the time I just about forced my GP to listen. I was lucky & he did really try to understand & for that I'm grateful. Sadly a lot of sufferers just can't bring themselves to make the sort of stand I did.

With up to 10% of the population suffering from a mental illness at some stage it is probably something that needs to be looked into. This feeling of not being listened to or understood by others is a big reason why only about 1 in 5 sufferers will seek professional help, and it's very likely there are many more who don't follow through after an initial treatment or two.

So what is your experience with GP's and mental health workers? Good? Bad? Indifferent? What can be done to improve the situation? I have no idea myself, though if I think about it during my next manic period I'm sure I'll find a solution, I just need to be able to hold onto it. ;)

Let me know your thoughts.

Cheers.

The information contained in this blog can not be considered medical advice. These are only my own thoughts, feelings & ideas. If you or someone you know are having problems with mental illness please seek qualified medical advice.

Local Mental Health Services - A Rant

<==RANT MODE ON==>

Well it's 2:30am here & again I can't sleep, so my mind has been wandering. One thing that has been on my mind lately is the quality of the mental health services where I now live in regional NSW. Truthfully, I'm not happy with it at all.

I lived in Sydney for about 30 years prior to moving back to the area where I was born. With my mental health problems I just couldn't handle the city life any more - I had to get somewhere that had a more relaxed lifestyle. I'm not living in the sticks, this town has a population of around 35,000 but that's a lot less than the millions in Sydney, which is about 2 hours away.

Up there I was used to dealing with pretty well organised mental health services - many hospitals have 24hr mental health staff & mental health wards. It wasn't THAT hard to find help when it was needed, at any hour of the day. But here it is so different.

I have met a number of mental health workers down here & all seem to be good, professional people, though it appears overworked. But it seems at times the system here fails those in need, quite badly at times. If you are in need of help after hours, good luck finding it locally. The nearest 24hr services are about an hour away, where the staff are expected to cover the needs of several large hospitals.

You would think that a town this size would have better. It seems the regular treatment in the hospital is to wait for the person to calm down a little then send them home with promises of a follow-up from the local Community Mental Health Services - which seems to get lost somewhere, as often the calls don't eventuate. A town this size deserves better - the people deserve better.

An example of this breakdown in services happened to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago. Mentally, he was in a terrible state. He'd been cutting himself & another friend went to help him but needed to call the police. After the police arrived he pulled a knife on them. They were ready to tazer him. The end result was an ambulance was called & he was taken to the hospital.

The last thing I expected was for him to be released a couple of hours later with nothing more than a promise of a couple of follow up calls, one for an appointment with a local service & the other to be from community health. Well he DID get the one about the appointment but as far as I know he's still waiting for the other call.

The hospital simply doesn't have the facilities to deal with these types of situations. Being the only major hospital for an hour in any direction you would think that it could provide something better. Sadly it doesn't, and this isn't an isolated incident that I've seen, it's been happening to another friend for months.

Mental health is a major problem and needs more support from governments. If a town this size can't provide appropriate around-the-clock services, what hope do sufferers have who live in more isolated areas.

<==RANT MODE OFF==>

Feels good to have that off my chest. :)

The information contained in this blog can not be considered medical advice. These are only my own thoughts, feelings & ideas. If you or someone you know are having problems with mental illness please seek qualified medical advice.

Making Connections

Making connections with people, places & memories is an important part of anyone's life. But for a lot of people with mental illness making & maintaining these connections can be quite problematic. Being unable to attach emotions to places, events & people can at times be quite difficult.

It is one major problem for me, making long term connections to people in particular. Besides family, I have no-one I could call a long term friend. There is no-one in my life I have known for more than a couple of years, and almost all of them are just people I've met through relatives, only a couple I would consider to be really my friends.

It's been like that throughout my life. I have no old school friends, army buddies, workmates etc. The connections just aren't there. Unless someone is in my face on some sort of regular basis, they just fade away, often to be forgotten totally - people who at the time I would have considered great friends. Probably the only way I managed to stay with my ex for so long is because she was always 'there'.

The issue for me, besides having troubles getting out to meet people in the first place, seems to be the long periods where I am emotionally dead. An almost total lack of empathy with anything at all. A lot of time music, movies or a sad (usually true) story will produce an emotional response where I just have nothing when it's associated with someone I know. Added to this is the lack of emotional connections with almost everything, making it difficult for memories to take hold. A lot of my past is very hazy for me, or simply not there.

Of course, this type of thing creates problems of its own. You know how people EXPECT you to feel about someone or something but for some reason you just can't feel that way. So you fake it. And then you sit there wondering why? Why can't I be like others? Why don't I feel the way they do? Is there something wrong with me? etc. And this type of thinking can start you on a downward spiral into a period of depression.


I am yet to find a solution to dealing with this emotional black hole. It just seems like you're absorbing all the emotions and when you get down towards the lowest ebb of your cycle they rush back all at once. It can just be so overwhelming, making things seem so much darker than they should be.


Over the last 12 months or so I've been getting out trying to establish new connections, hoping to be able to build a few lasting ones. Changes to my medications have helped with that, allowing me to get out & interact more. It lets me keep people in my life, getting to know them & building the links needed to create lasting connections.


Will it work in the long term? I have no idea at all. There are still so many times I feel emotionally empty, looking at the world around me as if I'm not a part of it. But I also know from past experience the emotions will return, even if only for a little while at a time. The secret is not letting them carry me away when they do.


So how do you deal with connections to the past? Do you ever worry about them or have you developed a way to help create lasting attachments to people, places & events?


Cheers for now.

The information contained in blog can not be considered medical advice. These are only my own thoughts, feelings & ideas. If you or someone you know are having problems with mental illness please seek qualified medical advice.

Talking to Someone

While medications play a very important role in the treatment of mental illness, they form only part of the solution. When you find the right medications they can help control the highs, lows & anxiety that is there, but being able too find someone to talk to about any issues you have can be a godsend. It is also one of the hardest steps sufferers can take. But once you make the decision you need help, who do you talk to?

When I finally admitted to myself that I needed help, I was in my GP's waiting room so he was the first I spoke to. Since then I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors & spoken to many different people. The hardest part is getting 'comfortable' enough with someone to be able to open right up. Even now I find it hard to open up to professionals, family & friends - they know I have problems, but I just can't talk openly with them.

To my surprise, the people I have found easiest to talk to are other sufferers. The same is true for others I've worked with & spoken to. When you talk to someone you don't know or who haven't been through something similar there seems to be the constant thoughts of 'are they judging me?', 'do they really understand what I'm saying & what I mean?' or, worst of all, 'am I behaving as they expect me to behave?'.

But when talking to someone who has 'been there, done that', you just feel that yes, they do know what it's like to be you. It just seems so much easier to open up & be truthful with someone who knows what it's like. Yes, it's not the best solution & any ideas or suggestions they have to help you should be fully researched because no matter how similar their situation may have been, it is still NOT your situation.

I've also found it easier to talk to people who are not involved in my life in any way - strangers who can't judge you based on what they know of you, or discuss your problems with others you may know. This is where the internet & telephone help lines can be of great benefit, even just to get something out, or seek that little bit of advice/help that you might need right at that time.

In my worst times, I will even talk to myself. Not literally, but through writing. Poems, stories or even just notes to myself, putting my feelings, thoughts & emotions down on paper. Just to get them outside myself so I can study them or shake them off perhaps. It is at times a place I can find comfort when I'm not comfortable with talking to anyone else. Even writing this blog is a form of release for me.

My problem with writing is that it has become associated with my worst down times. My friends & family know that if I'm writing, it's not a good sign for my current mental state. It is a habit I'm trying to change, to move my creativity from just the bad & into the good as well. It is a slow process but I feel I'm making progress - I'm writing this blog when I'm not really at my worst and, hopefully, it will help keep me from sinking down.

So talk to someone, there are many different options available. Professionals may be able to provide more direct help than any others, but if you're finding you can't open up fully to them, then seek somewhere that you can as well. An anonymous phone call or a one off post in a forum is better than nothing. Even just writing notes to yourself can help get things out & improve your outlook.

It is a process, learning to talk to people. It probably won't be easy at first, but you can & do get used to it. As you talk more & more to someone you're comfortable with, it makes it easier to be open with those you aren't. And the more you can tell your doctor/counsellor about what you are thinking & feeling, the more direct help they can provide to get your situation under some control.

Take care.

The information contained in blog can not be considered medical advice. These are only my own thoughts, feelings & ideas. If you or someone you know are having problems with mental illness please seek qualified medical advice.

Mental Illness: Still a Dirty Secret

As someone who suffers from depression & bipolar disorder, it's hard at times to deal with the stigma many people still associate with the diagnosis. Sufferers will not admit to having a mental illness for fear of being labelled as crazy, be accused of faking it or being shunned & ridiculed in other ways. Even worse is when they won't admit it to themselves, these people can become a danger to themselves & those around them.

On the other side is people who don't recognise the signs and blame it on other things. This is the group I fell into, not knowing what severe depression or bipolar was. Many uninformed people think it's just a case of being sad most of the time & totally crazy at others. Those that suffer from these illnesses know it is much, much more than that.

It is vital that information about mental illness be made as widely available as possible & an attempt be made to get people discussing the issue openly. Being able to recognise signs of possible mental health issues in yourself or those around you AND to be able to get the required help without fear of ridicule or scorn could save a life, maybe yours!


Thankfully today many people, including celebrities, realise what an important issue Mental Health is and the effects it has on society. A number of celebrities have put there names behind campaigns to raise public awareness of the issues and others have come out and spoken openly of their personal experience with depression, bipolar & other mental illnesses.


Mental illness isn't the domain of the weak, the unknowns, it is also part of daily life for many of the rich and famous. And at all levels of society, every day, mental illness costs lives, a lot of the time because the sufferer or those around them fear discussing it, or fail to recognise it for what it is. Times are changing, but how many more lives, great & small, will be wasted before the stigma of having a mental illness is lifted, allowing people to feel comfortable discussing their problems & openly seeking help.


Most major Mental Health websites have celebrities involved in raising awareness of mental health issues. Add your voice so that in the future sufferers, their family & friends can openly find the support & information they need to perhaps save a life.


Mark K.

A Start....

Well, I never really considered becoming a blogger, but here I am with my first ever post!

Over the last few weeks a great friend of mine has been trying to get me to take control of my life, get out of bad situations and move my life ahead. I've spent years looking down, living life as a virtual hermit, living in the past. It hasn't been a good time, barely noticing the world around me & not being a part of it.

But it's time to change. My life has been a mess, but as has been shown to me it doesn't need to be if I'm willing to work at a new future. Time to recreate/release the real me!

Hopefully by putting my journey, both the good & the bad, out there for the world to see, it will provide just that little extra motivation to get closer to where I want to be. And perhaps we can have a little fun along the way too.

So future posts will be small insights to the journey on my road to recovery.

Cheers.